Did Ashley Madison ruin your week? What do you do now?

I was going to entitle this “did ashley madison ruin your life”.  But I can’t manage to give this company that degree of power.  That being said, I’m guessing that more than one wife found out recently that their husband had sought an affair.  That’s a tough blow for even the strongest marriage to take.  Overnight there is anger, anxiety, fear, shame, disgust and a million other emotions swirling.

I’ve written about this site before because my husband had signed up for it once a number of years ago.  From the ‘history’ it seemed pretty clear that nothing amounted from it and truth be told I think he found it incredibly boring and he likely never accessed it after his initial ‘sign up’ high.  I’m sure he found the site ‘boring’…but that’s because he spent a few years acting out A LOT sexually – visiting chat sites, frequenting massage parlors, having sex with a couple women he knew – lots of horrible and unacceptable behavior.  I think the ‘vanilla’ nature of A.M. didn’t capture his interest as much as his other activities.

So you’ve just found out that your trusted mate has an Ashley Madison account.  Now What?

I think that most men on that site fall into 3 different categories.

1.  The most harmless category will be the one that everyone is claiming to belong to.  The “I was just curious what it was but never sought an affair”.  A prurient interest can get the best of anyone and lead them to explore a website like this.  Someone sees a commercial – can’t believe what is being advertised – types in the URL and next thing you know the company is charging a monthly fee and you just wish you had never heard of the thing.  Honestly, I think this is probably true for some people.  I believe it because I am one of those people.  I saw a billboard and thought, what is that? A movie ad? A TV show? I searched the site – was pissed off it existed – and emptied my history.  OK, I never made an ad or paid for the service but men can be pretty dumb about these things and I don’t put it past someone to go that far down the path of fantasy only to realize they have no interest in being there.  So if your husband is claiming that this is his story then maybe it is.  Ask him to share his password – go to the site – see how much activity he has and go from there.
2. A truly repentant man.  Let’s face it – people screw up.  A man can stray for any number of reasons but it doesn’t always make him a horrible or unloving person.  Marriages get over infidelity (or attempted infidelity) all the time.  Tust gets rebuilt.  Scars heal. Take for instance a man like my husband – a sex addict who has struggled for years with maintaining honest and loyal boundaries with me.  He is fully accepting of his mistakes and seeks every day to be a better man.  He shares his ‘slips’ and takes total responsibility for his actions.  In my situation, I knew long ago that there was an AM account so when this leak happened I just made sure that we cancelled the credit card he used to use for his secret activities so the info doesn’t get into the hands of hackers.  I don’t know if my husband was one of the people leaked, or if his account was even still active (I think we cancelled it but sites like this make that really hard so it may have still been up) but it doesn’t matter as I knew all about it and he has long since been forgiven.  As hard as it is to learn that your mate was seeking sex outside the marriage… if he seems truly remorseful and willing to be truthful and honest then try to remember who he really is as a person before throwing him to the curb.  He might deserve one more chance.
3. The last group is of course the guys who cheat but have no guilt, no remorse and no interest in changing.  This is the guy who swears it will never happen again only to turn around and do it the next day.  This person may be an addict, or a disrespectful person or no longer in love, or maybe he is just a jerk – but this is the danger area.   He probably blames everything and everyone externally and doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions.  He is the kind of guy who thinks he deserves more than the rest.  You know the type.  Maybe you are married to him.  In this case there are a lot of decisions to make – but it’s important to not delude yourself into believing his words.  If you do, chances are you will just be hurt again and again.  You may decide to stay with this person for your own reasons…children, money, familiarity…but try to protect yourself and understand that another woman/women are just going to be a part of your life.  He may change eventually – but if not, just know your own limits.

All 22 million people (if that is the current number) on that AM site aren’t horrible people.  Some are.  Try to know who you are dealing with before taking the next step.

A blog for both the cheater and the cheated upon.

I certainly don’t claim to be an authority on the subject of marital infidelity, but I do think I offer a unique perspective on the subject.   My understanding arrived first as the unknowing wife who was cheated on – repeatedly – by her sex addict husband.  Second, as the lonely, confused woman who sought comfort in an affair in order to escape the pain of my husbands actions.

Many of those who follow my blog are women who themselves have experienced the unimaginable pain of discovering their husband has been unfaithful.  Another significant group of followers are men who are married but cheating on their spouse.  Interestingly, I also have women following my blog who are the the mistresses of married men.  I appreciate that there are people from all sides of this complicated subject reading my posts.   I have no ill will toward any of these people and I sincerely hope that once in a while something I say resonates with each one of you.

This diverse audience is the reason that I write in equal parts from the viewpoint of both the hurt wife and the cheating spouse.  It’s natural to just want to read the parts that you personally relate to – this selective reading provides support through familiarity but not necessarily any growth.  I encourage everyone to read both sides of my story, perhaps by doing so one can begin to find some empathy or understanding toward the other parties involved.  Trying to understand isn’t the same as condoning lying and betrayal  – but by examining the flip side of the situation I believe we can start to move closer to the goal of healing.

Here are some of the feelings that I have experienced over the past 10 years through my discovery of my husbands addiction, his acting out, his relapse, my affair and our recovery.   If you have felt any of these feelings then I suspect many of my blog posts could be of interest to you – no matter which side of the affair you fell on:

Humiliation, disgrace, embarrassment, denial, apathy, pity, anger, hatred, loathing, rage, contrition, revulsion, guilt, superiority, shame, wrath, resentment, pity, indifference, compulsion, disgust, preoccupation, fixation, anxiety, obsession, passion, longing, craving, desire, loneliness, controlling, fearful, comprehending, powerlessness, forgiving, compassion, understanding, gratitude, empathy, tolerance, trust, love.

How badly we crave what we don’t really have…the allure of our lovers

I am always astonished by my mom’s insightfulness.  We were speaking recently about how desire inevitably ebbs and flows in long term relationships.  During the conversation I mentioned that in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend the physical desire for him never wavered.  In fact, I said, it grew and grew over the years and when we finally broke up it was at it’s height.  I used this personal example to ‘prove’ that the curse of long term relationships to destroy passion wasn’t always the rule.

Once I finished telling her my thoughts she responded with an observation that had never crossed my rose colored mind.  She said “the passion lasted because you never really had him”.  Wow.  That is absolutely true and it took me over 20 years to learn it.

This is the ex I have written of before.  We met when I was 23 and were together off and on for 12 years.  We were serious for long stretches of time, then would break up, and eventually would find our way back to one another.  Sometimes the break up lasted a day, sometimes a few weeks, and once it lasted almost 2 years.  This is also the ex that I had an affair with once I learned of my husbands infidelity.  This “affair” was mostly emotional since he lives in another state but it had it’s physical moments as well.  I finally ended it for good almost 2 years ago.  21 years after I met him.  But my mom was right – I never really had him.  I always knew that he could walk out the door the next day.  I felt insecure in the status of our union and anxious about our future.  I never truly was able to depend on him and when I did he usually let me down.  It was that thrill and that uncertainty that kept the flame alive.

I think this is the case with most affairs as well.  We feel a heightened sense of passion because we know at any time the person is going to be pulled from our grasps.  We desperately cling to the moments we can hold them, touch them, see them.  And we are left longing for him/her in those long lonely nights when they are not with us.

This is a horrible way to live.  Always worrying that it’s the last time you will be together, wondering if the feelings are true, imagining them with their spouse and their families, knowing deep down that if they really wanted to be with us they would be.   We go days without hearing from them and our anxiety builds with each hour -then comes the thrill when they reach out again and this act calms all of our insecurities while setting us up for yet another round of passion followed by loss.  It’s a painful cycle.  We want so badly to believe in the fairy tale ending.  But at some point in our adult lives we need to accept that fairy tales are not true.  We do not have them.

Meetings of Two – rebuilding after an affair.

My husband and I have a weekend ritual when we sit down for a ‘check up’ with one another.  During this time we talk about how we are feeling about our relationship and ourselves.  We tell one another if we have struggled with trust, anger or resentment.  We announce the thing we did during that week that most improved our relationship and on the flip side the one thing we each did that hurt our relationship.  Sometimes the conversations are stimulating and go on forever – other times they are a little lackluster and neither of us have much to talk about.   I never know where these meetings will take us.

We like to go to our favorite coffee shop for these weekly discussions – it makes it feel more like an event or a date.  Since we had brunch plans with friends later this morning we decided to hold this weeks meeting at home, giving us the perfect opportunity to watch Esther Perel’s TED talk entitled “Rethinking Infidelity” about why people cheat.  This talk was such a great catalyst to conversation.  Both my husband and I found so much of what she said to be of interest.  It raised incredibly interesting points and questions and led to another very honest discussion about my husbands addiction-related infidelities as well as my own affair and what the two had in common.   We talked about how we felt during and after our trysts, we talked about the fantasy aspect of our actions, we talked about the power of our disclosures, we talked about anxiety and longing and desire and regret and sex.

Seeking out sources of smart, insightful information is so important when confronted with an issue such as marital infidelity.  I have gotten a lot of help from books and therapists in the past – but somehow, Eshter Perel can cut to the quick in a riveting 20 minute video.  If you haven’t already seen it, and are in a relationship, it’s worth watching.  I highly recommend watching with your spouse and see where the conversation takes you.

Ashley Madison is just another distraction. You can do better.

My mom still occasionally recounts a story about being in the basement in our family home and hearing a ruckus on the 2nd floor.  It was my older sisters who had started a screaming match.  My mom ran up the stairs toward the bedrooms.  As she passed by the kitchen she suddenly stopped and backed up.  She needed some m&m’s before she could emotionally deal with whatever was happening on the floor above her.  She jokes that she is a chocolate addict.  Who’s to say she isn’t.

We all use distractions as a coping mechanism.  When we are stressed at work we mindlessly eat some chips.  When we get home to a house full of needy family members we tune out with the tv.  Our boss criticizes our work and we have an extra drink at dinner.  Cigarettes, food, tv, internet, exercise, shopping, drinking – and porn – are all forms of distraction.  Some of these distractions are obviously more harmful to our health and/or relationships than others.

Lets take Ashley Madison for instance.  I remember the first time I saw a billboard for this website.  It said “Life’s short – have an affair”.  I thought it was an advertisement for an upcoming movie or tv show.  More and more of these ads started to pop up around town and one day curiosity got the best of me.  I went to the website and learned it’s purpose.  It scared me.  I knew my husband was a sex addict and I thought ‘oh great – it just keeps getting easier for him’.  The truth is, if someone is an addict – or if they are just a jerk looking to cheat – no one needs Ashley Madison.  They will find a way.  History has alway had an Ashley Madison – Los Angeles had Heidi Fleiss, Chicago had Iceburg Slim,  “Gone with the Wind” had Belle Watling.  Of course the internet has made it easier to procure a lover.  It’s also made it cheaper and more legal.  In the past, men went to prostitutes to fill their sexual needs.  Now people of both genders go to Ashley Madison – maybe for sex – but more often to temporarily cure their loneliness.  I’m not sure what percentage of people actually have physical affairs as a result of that site.  Probably less than you would suspect.  The thrill of the online profile and an occasional email is probably enough to bring people back to the present and out of their bubble of obsession.  But this porn has destroyed plenty of marriages.  Even if the person who paid for the website never had an affair, the trust was destroyed when the spouse found out and a marriage and family fell apart.  It’s really sad.

Here is a bit of advice/warning for anyone looking to join this site.  Ashley Madison is evil.  Not because of the ‘service’ it provides – but because of the greed it displays.  Ashley Madison claims to put charges through to your credit card under a benign name.  That benign name is ADL media.  Ummm, not that hard to figure out if you just google that term (adult dating life).  If/when you realize it’s mostly fake ads and sex workers and you wise up and decide to cancel the account they charge you to do so.  Here is the kicker – the cancellation charge is listed under ASHLEY MADISON on your credit card statement.  It may show up as ‘AM media’ or some such thing – but regardless of the wording, what they do is make it completely obvious what the payment is for and as a result many relationships are destroyed.  The irony is that it’s when someone decides to do the right thing and remove their profile that their behavior is usually discovered by their spouse.  Damn.  That’s harsh.  Of course you can get around this – use a prepaid c/c or whatever.  Where there is a will there is a way.

I may have digressed in this post.  So back to the topic.  Ashley Madison, like any other version of porn, is a distraction from our daily stress.  If you’re drawn to these sites they become addictive.  It’s a thrill to get a secret email from an admirer.  Doesn’t make you bad to have that feeling – it’s human.  But it would make you a better human if you could try to find a different method of obtaining your thrill and validation.  There are a lot of distractions to chose from in the world – would be nice if you could choose one that won’t destroy the worlds of those you love.

Remembering D-Day

I follow a lot of other women who, like me, had their worlds turned upside down due to infidelity and/or sex addiction.  Many of these women regularly talk about and refer to “D-Day”.  From what I gather, this is the day that they found out about the transgression(s) of their spouse.  I suspect that “D” stands for “Discovery”.

My D-Day is coming up sometime in the next week or so.  I don’t remember the date exactly, though I could look it up by checking my old emails.  I’m not sure the exact day matters, but I will pick a day later this month and my husband and I will celebrate.

In U.S. history D-day was the beginning of the end of the Nazi invasion of Western Europe.  There was a lot of loss during the invasion of Normandy, but yet we celebrate the day as it was the beginning of the end of a horrible time in world history.

I think of the day 2 years ago when I discovered my husbands unbelievable behaviors as the beginning of the end of a horrible time in my marital history.  The details of the day would certainly be painful if I chose to dwell on them.  But the longterm growth and benefits that resulted from that day have made the pain worth it.  Had the discovery not happened, we would have both spent the last two years in the limbo that was our relationship.  We would have been perfectly amicable with one another, but not intimate.  We would have cared about one another, but not loved unconditionally.   If D Day didn’t happen, he would still be acting out with strangers and I would still be cheating on him with my ex.  We would be sharing the same house, but not sharing our truest selves with one another.  We would be lying to each other as well as to ourselves.  We would be lonely and unfulfilled.

We have both grown and changed so very much in the last 2 years.  We love one another with transparency and respect.  We communicate with our hearts, not just our minds.  We can count on each other with a confidence that I have never felt before.  This wouldn’t have happened without the discovery.

I’m not sure how other’s get through their “D-day” but I will call is “Devotion Day” or “Determination Day” or “Damn it if we didn’t make it Day”.  I will dress up and wear expensive perfume and hold my husband tight and celebrate all that we have endured – together.

Go get your ego stroked somewhere else.

The other day, my husband was included on a group email from one of the userous girls that he used to cheat on me with.  He fucked her 3 or 4 times – they didn’t have an ‘intimate’ relationship, didn’t develop a friendship or hang out or anything – just used her because she was easy and had loose boundaries.  Now that he is sober, the memory of his actions with her (and all those like her) is embarrassing and painful to him.  He doesn’t have ‘erotic recall’ of these old events in a titillating way…the only thoughts he has surrounding the memory is of how damaged he was/is and how much he hurt me.  When she has reached out to him in the past to ask ‘why he has disappeared’ or to ask him to see her again he has told her in no uncertain terms that he wants NOTHING to do with her and has asked her to never contact him again.  I’ve seen the emails, I know they are real, I am not deluding myself in any way.  So what the fuck is wrong with this woman?  She knows he is married, she knows he regrets his actions with her, she knows he hasn’t responded to a single email from her in almost 2 years.  Yet she includes him on a mass email announcing some benign event in her life.  I just don’t get it.  She seems normal, young & attractive enough, relatively sound – so it doesn’t made sense to me that she should be so desperate to rekindle a back alley affair with a disinterested man 20 years her senior.  It is a last ditch attempt for some validation?  Is she just that insecure?

On the flip side (note: I love how these events always align) I got a text from my ex-boyfriend who I cheated on my husband with.   I haven’t responded to any of his attempts at communicating in about a year.  He writes benign notes every now and again to see if I respond, and when I don’t, he goes away for another bit of time.  His text the other day said that he had come to Los Angeles and wanted to see me.  I got this text while I was in the hospital having my mastectomy.  The irony that he wrote to me – and was in town – on such a big day in my life was pretty unreal.  Sadly, I was on some narcotics which clouded my judgement so I wrote back.   I wasn’t nice..I basically told him he was an asshole.  Regardless of what I typed, the bottom line is that I did give in to my urge to respond and I shouldn’t have done that.  I told my husband immediately – shows him the texts – and as much as he hates the ‘ex’ he has let it go.  Again, I don’t get my ex’s need to hold on to me at this point.  He must know I am not coming back to him.  Yet he persists.  Fascinating.

So here we have two completely different relationships:  1) a meaningless series of a few fucks between my husband and a nameless girl over a 6 month period.  2) a relationship with a 20 year history with someone I used to love and then had an affair with during my marriage.  How interesting that they are both exhibiting identical and simplistic behaviors.  Could it just be that human nature is to hate hearing the word “no”?  If my husband and I decided to respond to these ‘burdens’ and say “ok…let’s get together” would they even bite?  I suspect they wouldn’t.  I think they both have big prideful ego’s and can’t wrap their heads around being ‘unwanted’ so they occasionally reach out in hopes of getting a reply.  It’s got nothing at all to do with them wanted my husband and I so badly at all…it’s just them fishing for an ego stroke.  I’m really just starting to wish they would look for their validation someplace else.

Post Mastectomy update

I expected to have had some depression by this point…or at least a touch of sadness or loss.  My bilateral mastectomy was 2 weeks ago.  Leading up to the operation, I had heard that the weeks afterward would be a physical and emotional roller coaster.  It’s not.  I am so filled with gratitude and relief I couldn’t imagine fitting in any negative emotions.  I understand that everyone’s road is unique – and I certainly understand why so many women experience depression after this type if surgery – I’m just saying that it’s not a rule, as I am an exception.

During the time I was in the hospital and recovery center, I had no time for self pity as 3 of my friends had worse things happen to them.  One friend’s wife was diagnosed with an invasive breast cancer, another was assaulted at gunpoint, and a third dear friend was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer.  It’s hard to feel sorry for myself while others who I love are experiencing equal or worse pain than I.  In fact, every floral arrangement that arrived or prayer that was said on my behalf made me feel a bit guilty.

My recovery so far has been comfortable.  I didn’t need my pain meds (other than tylenol), early to tell but it seems that the implants look acceptable and I’m already able to drive and get around.  I get tired easily as my body works to put itself back together so I give myself lots of naps and leisure.

Since the subject of my blog is about life with a sex addict I will address that aspect in relation to this experience.  My breasts are taped up and bruised and need soiled bandages changed daily, my bowel movements are an actual topic of conversation and I haven’t shaved in about 2 weeks.  Those temporary unpleasantries aside these past weeks have been incredibly stressful for my husband.  He is swamped at work, having to take days and hours away from the office to be with me, worried about me when he isn’t with me, sleeping on the sofa since my mom is here to help, etc ,etc.  I know that stress is his trigger and in the past it’s this overwhelming stress that led him to the beds of other women.  I sat him down a couple days before surgery and asked him to make me a promise.  I made the request that if he has a ‘slip’ while I am undergoing or recovering from surgery that he please not tell me until I am fully recovered.  I asked him that under those circumstances that he please tell his sponsor or therapist but to keep it from me until I am healed.  My body needs every ounce of energy to recover from surgery.  What it doesn’t need is a detailed confession of an addicts slip or relapse.  It’s just another example of how I can care for myself at times when I am not 100% confident that my husband will have the power to do so for me.

When being grateful comes easily

48 hours from now, I will be waking up in the recovery room following my bilateral mastectomy.  For an entire year now I have been consumed with fear, doubt, denial, confusion and stress.  When I finally made the decision (literally 5 minutes before surgery #1) I felt an unexplainable certainty.  When the pathology results of the samples they took during that surgery came back a few days later I knew I had chosen well.  I am so grateful that I pushed through my fear of surgery in order to get this information.

Doctors today let their patients make their own decisions.   I’m sure their insurance companies insist on that.  But putting such a complicated decision upon someone with no medical knowledge is absolutely harrowing on the patient.  Even so, I am grateful that my doctors (all female and in their 40’s) would say “you can’t make a wrong decision” but each would then follow up with “if it were me, I would do the mastectomies”.   Legally, they can’t be held accountable for telling me what they would do if it were them.  For that unofficial advice I am grateful.  I live in Los Angeles, and have many cutting edge, experienced doctors to choose from – in the end going with female surgeons with excellent credentials – I am grateful to have such choices.

As much as I am grateful for early detection and my medical team – it doesn’t begin to compare with how grateful i am that I am with my husband.  He has been an absolute rock every minute of the past year.  When I was afraid he held me, when in pain he helped me, when I was in denial he would gradual nudge me back toward reality.  He prayed for me and with me.  He taught me to meditate and to release my emotions.  He finds me beautiful even when my breasts are bruised, scarred and swollen.  He loves me and gives me so much to fight for.

The fact that I almost left him – twice – seems surreal to me now.  The first time was when I found out how out of control his sex addiction was, that he had cheated on me just a year or so into our marriage.  The second time was when my ex boyfriend was offering an escape to an old life with a long history.  Words can’t express how grateful I am that I could see the bigger picture:  That these sexual and addictive parts of our lives were opportunities to grow – both as individuals and as a couple.  When we both disclosed the complete truth to one another a year and a half ago we knew we were both finally in it for real.  The love I feel for and from my husband every minute of every day tops my gratitude list.  I couldn’t imagine experiencing all the joys and pains of life without him by my side.

Even with his flaws – he is a good, good man.  If you have one of those as well, but are rightfully confused about how to react to his infidelity and/or addiction I suggest trying to get beyond his past actions and start forgiving.   Then hopefully one day in the not so distant future, you too will get to a place of true love, compassion and – of course – gratefulness.

A marriage with secrets is doomed to disappoint

I want to follow up on my last post in which I pointed out that after infidelity I think that the offending spouse should be willing to share any and all information that will help his/her mate feel safe.  I want to add a bit to what I had said.

I absolutely believe that if the ‘cheater’ is truly committed to changing then they will have absolutely no hesitation in providing the information and access that is requested.  This is not a violation of privacy.  This is a partnership where there are no secrets…and that is the only kind that seems worthwhile to me.  If your spouse is unwilling to share something like his phone code, then what else is he hiding.  Why does he think that is OK?  Why does he think his actions shouldn’t have consequences.

My husband has GPS on his phone.  He has given me all of his passwords.  He will “share” his computer screen with me at any time with no warning.  He shares his feelings.  He goes to therapy.  He attends SAA meetings.  He never has one on one lunches with female colleagues.  I have every one of his credit card passwords.  He is willing to take yearly lie detector tests.  On paper this sounds overwhelming.  But these are the things I asked for a year ago and which he agreed.  These were some of the boundaries that I set with the help of my therapist.  At the time, I used all of these “powers’ and he was supportive of it.  He never questioned my following up on him.  He just assured me he has nothing to hide.  Time and again it proved to be true.  I have all but stopped looking after him.  Because I understand how sneaking addicts can be, I sometimes spot check things on c/c statements or GPS or email.  But to date, there have been no slips.

I always tell my husband when I feel the need to “check” on him.  It shouldn’t be my burden alone.  He hurt me and ruined my trust and I shouldn’t have to experience the painful moments alone.  He deserves to go on that journey with me, if only as a witness to my pain.  Not for him to feel guilty but to understand me and support me.

If you can’t stop researching and spying on your mate then I think you need to really talk about that and discuss with him reasonable steps that he can take to help your security.  Its not healthy to spy – in fact it is a dishonest act and not the example you want to be.  The other harm with secretly spying is it puts your efforts in the wrong area.  If you have been betrayed you need to work on yourself and care for yourself – you don’t need to spend hours hacking into an email account.  This isn’t beneficial.

Calmly ask your spouse to help you by giving you the safety nets you need so if you are ever freaking out you can use those tools.  They aren’t meant to be abused (though in the beginning they probably will be).  At first I checked my husbands GPS multiple times a day.  Now it’s more like once a week.  That is progress that would not have been possible without the cooperation of my husband.

Another thing to note.  This is a two way street.  I will happily provide my husband with any information about my life that he desires.  I have nothing to hide.  I am married to an amazing man…so why would I want to?