Liar: No longer an adjective that describes me

There were a lot of positive side affects that came with the disclosures that my husband and I both did last fall.  As hard as it was to tell the truth, and to hurt my husband deeply in the process, it is such a relief to know that he has all the information about my actions.  Finally he knows “all of me” and still loves me, still accepts me and has actively chosen to stay with me.  The same goes for the reverse.  I hated hearing about his activities and the memory is still difficult to think about.  But I am happy that I know the truth and that he can feel truly loved as the man he is – not the one he pretended to be for so many years.

 
The best result of coming clean is that I absolutely don’t want to dirty the water again.  If I were to cheat on my husband, I know I would tell him.  In the end, I believe he would forgive me and stay with me…regardless of that belief, I don’t want to create that kind of turbulence in our relationship. I don’t want to take us back to square one.  I don’t necessarily have all of my cravings under control, but for the first time in a long time I know that I wouldn’t hide it if I made a mistake….in that regard I am holding myself to a higher standard.  Lying isn’t an option for me right now.  That means that cheating isn’t an option.  How nice to have the freedom to do the right thing.

a return to safety

 

When I agreed to marry my husband, it was because for the first time in my life I felt completely safe with someone.  It was unlike anything I had ever felt before.  So wonderful and utterly comforting.  When he betrayed our marriage I feared that I would never regain that sense of safety again – and I mourned that deeply.  I feel every person has the right to feel safe with their spouse – and to lose that is to lose the foundation of your relationship.

 
I had surgery last week.  It was a lumpectomy, so not a major surgery, but the first surgery I have had.  I had a lot of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the procedure – not knowing what to expect from the anesthesia, fear of what the pain level would be and of course the unknown of what the results of the excision would show.  Though it all, my husband was my rock.  He forced me not to downplay my fears or the seriousness of my situation.  It’s my nature to say “it’s nothing” and to not share it with others as I didn’t want to worry them.  He made me talk about it and share it with those close to me.  He helped me meditate to try to control my anxiety and encouraged me to cry to release some of the feelings I was holding in.  With his support I was able to do all of this  – which is very out of character for me.  I realize that it is because I feel safe with him again.  I know he isn’t going to judge me.  I know he loves me without conditions.  He tends to me even when it isn’t sexy or convenient to do so.  
 
I may always have a fear in the back of my mind that he could slip in his addiction and hurt me by sexually acting out in the future.  But for today, I know I am safe with him.  And I am not going to fight that feeling.  I’m just grateful that it could grow back after all these years.