Remembering D-Day

I follow a lot of other women who, like me, had their worlds turned upside down due to infidelity and/or sex addiction.  Many of these women regularly talk about and refer to “D-Day”.  From what I gather, this is the day that they found out about the transgression(s) of their spouse.  I suspect that “D” stands for “Discovery”.

My D-Day is coming up sometime in the next week or so.  I don’t remember the date exactly, though I could look it up by checking my old emails.  I’m not sure the exact day matters, but I will pick a day later this month and my husband and I will celebrate.

In U.S. history D-day was the beginning of the end of the Nazi invasion of Western Europe.  There was a lot of loss during the invasion of Normandy, but yet we celebrate the day as it was the beginning of the end of a horrible time in world history.

I think of the day 2 years ago when I discovered my husbands unbelievable behaviors as the beginning of the end of a horrible time in my marital history.  The details of the day would certainly be painful if I chose to dwell on them.  But the longterm growth and benefits that resulted from that day have made the pain worth it.  Had the discovery not happened, we would have both spent the last two years in the limbo that was our relationship.  We would have been perfectly amicable with one another, but not intimate.  We would have cared about one another, but not loved unconditionally.   If D Day didn’t happen, he would still be acting out with strangers and I would still be cheating on him with my ex.  We would be sharing the same house, but not sharing our truest selves with one another.  We would be lying to each other as well as to ourselves.  We would be lonely and unfulfilled.

We have both grown and changed so very much in the last 2 years.  We love one another with transparency and respect.  We communicate with our hearts, not just our minds.  We can count on each other with a confidence that I have never felt before.  This wouldn’t have happened without the discovery.

I’m not sure how other’s get through their “D-day” but I will call is “Devotion Day” or “Determination Day” or “Damn it if we didn’t make it Day”.  I will dress up and wear expensive perfume and hold my husband tight and celebrate all that we have endured – together.

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3 comments on “Remembering D-Day

  1. CrazyKat1963 says:

    This is so very nice to hear. I am 17+ months out from dday (which originally stood for discovery day–the day I got the phone call from the latest acting out partner), but now I think I would call it destruction day. Discovery doesn’t actually have a negative connotation per se, so I do feel destruction still fits better. I loved my life before dday and I did not cheat or lie or do anything to tear apart my life or our 25 year marriage. My marriage as I knew it and a big part of my story was destroyed on that day. I am doing okay and my husband is getting the help he needs and I am learning to live in my new reality. Maybe next year, on the two year anniversary I will be able to give it a happy euphemism as well, there certainly is a lot of hope and I would think my husband would call that day life changing in a much more positive way, but for now, I am still trying to re-build from the destruction. So glad to hear how well you both are doing. You have always been an inspiration.

    • I had many years that I refused to recognized my husbands ‘birthday’ – that’s what they call it in the 12 step program. The reminder of that date would be awfully painful for me. To him they represented the day that he came clean, unloaded all his crap and got on with his life and recovery. To me they represented the day that all that crap got unloaded directly onto me! It’s a hard concept to come to grips with – but considering where we are now both in our relationship and with ourselves – I recognized that we would never have gotten here without that first day and that first step in the right direction. Some day you may look at that day as one that can be positive as well. But until then it’s OK to hate the day and name it anything you’d like! It’s all a process and you (and your husband) seem to be on such a good trajectory.

      • CrazyKat1963 says:

        In my husband’s SA group, they call their sobriety day their “anniversary.” I know in a friend’s AA group she calls her sobriety date her birthday. Different meetings, different semantics, I guess. For most of the guys, discovery day doesn’t coincide with their recovery necessarily as generally their journey did not start on that day, it was merely the day they were exposed. Their secret life blew up on that day, but it generally wasn’t the day they were diagnosed or started 12 step. For my husband, he considers his sobriety date, ironically, exactly a month before dday as that is when he feels like he made up his own mind that he would never act out impulsively again and he hasn’t. He had broken things off with his AP six months prior, but he was still masturbating obsessively to porn while away on business. As difficult as it has been, I do consider dday an absolutely necessary day as without that phone call, I do not believe my husband would be in recovery–and that is important for him and our life together, but really, it was destruction to me. I think he would still be trying to manage alone and he would still be acting out without dday because they can’t really manage it alone. It is my discovery day of what had transpired against our marriage, but for my husband, his actual “discovery that he was a sex addict” happened after that. We are on a good trajectory and I am very thankful we have both been able to stick it out and are finding our new normal.

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