The other day, my husband was included on a group email from one of the userous girls that he used to cheat on me with. He fucked her 3 or 4 times – they didn’t have an ‘intimate’ relationship, didn’t develop a friendship or hang out or anything – just used her because she was easy and had loose boundaries. Now that he is sober, the memory of his actions with her (and all those like her) is embarrassing and painful to him. He doesn’t have ‘erotic recall’ of these old events in a titillating way…the only thoughts he has surrounding the memory is of how damaged he was/is and how much he hurt me. When she has reached out to him in the past to ask ‘why he has disappeared’ or to ask him to see her again he has told her in no uncertain terms that he wants NOTHING to do with her and has asked her to never contact him again. I’ve seen the emails, I know they are real, I am not deluding myself in any way. So what the fuck is wrong with this woman? She knows he is married, she knows he regrets his actions with her, she knows he hasn’t responded to a single email from her in almost 2 years. Yet she includes him on a mass email announcing some benign event in her life. I just don’t get it. She seems normal, young & attractive enough, relatively sound – so it doesn’t made sense to me that she should be so desperate to rekindle a back alley affair with a disinterested man 20 years her senior. It is a last ditch attempt for some validation? Is she just that insecure?
On the flip side (note: I love how these events always align) I got a text from my ex-boyfriend who I cheated on my husband with. I haven’t responded to any of his attempts at communicating in about a year. He writes benign notes every now and again to see if I respond, and when I don’t, he goes away for another bit of time. His text the other day said that he had come to Los Angeles and wanted to see me. I got this text while I was in the hospital having my mastectomy. The irony that he wrote to me – and was in town – on such a big day in my life was pretty unreal. Sadly, I was on some narcotics which clouded my judgement so I wrote back. I wasn’t nice..I basically told him he was an asshole. Regardless of what I typed, the bottom line is that I did give in to my urge to respond and I shouldn’t have done that. I told my husband immediately – shows him the texts – and as much as he hates the ‘ex’ he has let it go. Again, I don’t get my ex’s need to hold on to me at this point. He must know I am not coming back to him. Yet he persists. Fascinating.
So here we have two completely different relationships: 1) a meaningless series of a few fucks between my husband and a nameless girl over a 6 month period. 2) a relationship with a 20 year history with someone I used to love and then had an affair with during my marriage. How interesting that they are both exhibiting identical and simplistic behaviors. Could it just be that human nature is to hate hearing the word “no”? If my husband and I decided to respond to these ‘burdens’ and say “ok…let’s get together” would they even bite? I suspect they wouldn’t. I think they both have big prideful ego’s and can’t wrap their heads around being ‘unwanted’ so they occasionally reach out in hopes of getting a reply. It’s got nothing at all to do with them wanted my husband and I so badly at all…it’s just them fishing for an ego stroke. I’m really just starting to wish they would look for their validation someplace else.