Telling and hearing the truth

I was talking to my friend Lisa – the one with the husband who keeps getting caught with emails and texts from some woman he has been in some way involved with for maybe a few years.  All we know is what she has found – graphic photos and highly sexual texts and emails between her husband and another woman who he knows from work.  Her husband has never come clean with any information about the relationship.  Every time Lisa finds an email or text chain he says things like this:

“That was the last time I texted her.  I called and ended if right after sending that one”

“I never have touched her – it’s only emails”

“I swear it’s over and will never talk to her again”

You get the drift.  You probably won’t be surprised to know that he has never kept his word to end it.

When Lisa found the latest slew of intense emails, I suggested that the first thing she should do is have him get a full STD check.  It’s easy to do in big cities, it can be done anonymously, but she will be putting her needs first by protecting her own health and also making him have a consequence to his actions.  It’s not therapy, it’s not divorce, it’s not a decision about anything other than making herself a priority.  Her response is that she really believes he hasn’t ever been with this woman!!

Listen…I get wanting to trust the man she is married to.  But if he has never – not once – come clean about ANYTHING – or provided a detail that she didn’t know about BY CHOICE then I really think that she needs to do a reality check.  She can’t believe a single word from him as it relates to this other woman.

It’s hard to tell the truth.  It’s also hard to hear it.  All of it raises fears.  But if a relationship is going to work, then both parties need to start coming clean about their actions and feelings – and both parties need to know it’s safe to do so.  Being honest and telling the truth are skills that need to be learned – especially after a relationship has been upended by betrayal and infidelity.  It’s not easy – but it’s doable.  And until your partner can  be honest – you best do all you can to protect yourself.

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3 comments on “Telling and hearing the truth

  1. cheaterfantasy says:

    I think your friend is scared. It is one thing to to glaze over and ignore the obvious until it gets to point that it will be so bad she won’t be able to ignore . Or, she gets tough now and makes a stand against his behaviour. As we all know the adulterer has a very hard time coming out with the truth because they are so scared. They know their behaviour has been deceitful and disgusting so they will only reveal the bare minimum. She has to face the facts and let him know where he stands in all of this. It would be so hard to watch this from the sidelines. I don’t know if I could do it. People will only believe what they want to believe.
    I remember a girlfriend asking me is I thought my husband had been faithful. I was so shocked that she could think he wasn’t. Hahahahaha. She knew nothing but she had been around a lot of men who were adulterous and I suspect she saw something.
    Oh well…..

  2. Dealing with extra-marital affairs, is as we know, a life altering experience. In reading your blog post I was reminded of Peggy writings in the Momogomy myth. It sounds like your friend is rationalising

  3. Dealing with extra-marital affairs, is as we know, a life altering experience. In reading your blog post I was reminded of Peggy Vaughan’s writings in the Monogamy Myth. It sounds like your friend and her spouse are rationalising which is a way of avoiding reality. Cheater fantasy is right about her being scared. The overwhelming feeling of a person who suspects adultery is fear. Fear of falsely accusing and fear of facing the facts if they are right. The need to know is squashed by the fear of knowing it. I suspect that what she is looking for is reassurance, but this will be detected by her husband if he is guilty of adultery and therefore any reassurance is likely to be false. All very difficult. Perhaps it just has to get worse for it to get better. Difficult to observe.

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