Telling and hearing the truth

I was talking to my friend Lisa – the one with the husband who keeps getting caught with emails and texts from some woman he has been in some way involved with for maybe a few years.  All we know is what she has found – graphic photos and highly sexual texts and emails between her husband and another woman who he knows from work.  Her husband has never come clean with any information about the relationship.  Every time Lisa finds an email or text chain he says things like this:

“That was the last time I texted her.  I called and ended if right after sending that one”

“I never have touched her – it’s only emails”

“I swear it’s over and will never talk to her again”

You get the drift.  You probably won’t be surprised to know that he has never kept his word to end it.

When Lisa found the latest slew of intense emails, I suggested that the first thing she should do is have him get a full STD check.  It’s easy to do in big cities, it can be done anonymously, but she will be putting her needs first by protecting her own health and also making him have a consequence to his actions.  It’s not therapy, it’s not divorce, it’s not a decision about anything other than making herself a priority.  Her response is that she really believes he hasn’t ever been with this woman!!

Listen…I get wanting to trust the man she is married to.  But if he has never – not once – come clean about ANYTHING – or provided a detail that she didn’t know about BY CHOICE then I really think that she needs to do a reality check.  She can’t believe a single word from him as it relates to this other woman.

It’s hard to tell the truth.  It’s also hard to hear it.  All of it raises fears.  But if a relationship is going to work, then both parties need to start coming clean about their actions and feelings – and both parties need to know it’s safe to do so.  Being honest and telling the truth are skills that need to be learned – especially after a relationship has been upended by betrayal and infidelity.  It’s not easy – but it’s doable.  And until your partner can  be honest – you best do all you can to protect yourself.

How you handle difficult times is what sets you apart

Infidelity in a marriage isn’t easy on anyone.  It hurts, it triggers fears, it ruins the status quo, it just totally and completely sucks. Once it enters your world you will never be the same.

I wonder then why some people are able to move beyond a betrayal to rebuild a stronger relationship or to at least improve their own character – and others never do.   Some women just get stuck.

I read some blogs recently that were posted on a ‘divorced moms’ site.  I think what struck me most is the self-righteousness of the author and the anger that lurked behind every word.  One blog in particular was fueled by a belief that simply by kicking her husband to the curb that she had somehow become a stronger, better person.  I’m not saying that it doesn’t take a degree of strength to kick your spouse out of your life – but in the case of this particular woman that act alone didn’t seem to change her.  Years after the divorce she was still experiencing the same degree of hate and anger – but now she was doing it alone.  The hatred that seeped into her words were heartbreaking.  Hatred for her husband, for men in general, for women who sleep with married men…it was pretty upsetting.  This woman has children with her ex – I can’t help but wonder how much of that hate is felt by those kids – and what happens when one day those children are old enough to read their mom’s blog.  Ugh.

I do understand when women decide to divorce their husband because of infidelity.  As much as I’m a believer in staying, I do think there absolutely are cases when leaving is the best thing to do.  But it doesn’t negate the need for those women to try to move beyond the anger, to deal with the pain, to forgive rather than hate, to own up to their own patterns and to open their hearts.  These things that need to be done whether you stay or you go.  There is no sense in dwelling in the pain.  It’s needless suffering.  Holding onto that hatred and all the feelings that go with it can never benefit anyone and won’t prepare you for the possibility of a healthy future relationship.

If you are struggling with the idea of forgiving an ex or a current partner who betrayed you – maybe you can start by praying for that person.  Perhaps that can be the first step down a lighter more positive path.  A path that is lit by empathy, caring and love.

Did Ashley Madison ruin your week? What do you do now?

I was going to entitle this “did ashley madison ruin your life”.  But I can’t manage to give this company that degree of power.  That being said, I’m guessing that more than one wife found out recently that their husband had sought an affair.  That’s a tough blow for even the strongest marriage to take.  Overnight there is anger, anxiety, fear, shame, disgust and a million other emotions swirling.

I’ve written about this site before because my husband had signed up for it once a number of years ago.  From the ‘history’ it seemed pretty clear that nothing amounted from it and truth be told I think he found it incredibly boring and he likely never accessed it after his initial ‘sign up’ high.  I’m sure he found the site ‘boring’…but that’s because he spent a few years acting out A LOT sexually – visiting chat sites, frequenting massage parlors, having sex with a couple women he knew – lots of horrible and unacceptable behavior.  I think the ‘vanilla’ nature of A.M. didn’t capture his interest as much as his other activities.

So you’ve just found out that your trusted mate has an Ashley Madison account.  Now What?

I think that most men on that site fall into 3 different categories.

1.  The most harmless category will be the one that everyone is claiming to belong to.  The “I was just curious what it was but never sought an affair”.  A prurient interest can get the best of anyone and lead them to explore a website like this.  Someone sees a commercial – can’t believe what is being advertised – types in the URL and next thing you know the company is charging a monthly fee and you just wish you had never heard of the thing.  Honestly, I think this is probably true for some people.  I believe it because I am one of those people.  I saw a billboard and thought, what is that? A movie ad? A TV show? I searched the site – was pissed off it existed – and emptied my history.  OK, I never made an ad or paid for the service but men can be pretty dumb about these things and I don’t put it past someone to go that far down the path of fantasy only to realize they have no interest in being there.  So if your husband is claiming that this is his story then maybe it is.  Ask him to share his password – go to the site – see how much activity he has and go from there.
2. A truly repentant man.  Let’s face it – people screw up.  A man can stray for any number of reasons but it doesn’t always make him a horrible or unloving person.  Marriages get over infidelity (or attempted infidelity) all the time.  Tust gets rebuilt.  Scars heal. Take for instance a man like my husband – a sex addict who has struggled for years with maintaining honest and loyal boundaries with me.  He is fully accepting of his mistakes and seeks every day to be a better man.  He shares his ‘slips’ and takes total responsibility for his actions.  In my situation, I knew long ago that there was an AM account so when this leak happened I just made sure that we cancelled the credit card he used to use for his secret activities so the info doesn’t get into the hands of hackers.  I don’t know if my husband was one of the people leaked, or if his account was even still active (I think we cancelled it but sites like this make that really hard so it may have still been up) but it doesn’t matter as I knew all about it and he has long since been forgiven.  As hard as it is to learn that your mate was seeking sex outside the marriage… if he seems truly remorseful and willing to be truthful and honest then try to remember who he really is as a person before throwing him to the curb.  He might deserve one more chance.
3. The last group is of course the guys who cheat but have no guilt, no remorse and no interest in changing.  This is the guy who swears it will never happen again only to turn around and do it the next day.  This person may be an addict, or a disrespectful person or no longer in love, or maybe he is just a jerk – but this is the danger area.   He probably blames everything and everyone externally and doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions.  He is the kind of guy who thinks he deserves more than the rest.  You know the type.  Maybe you are married to him.  In this case there are a lot of decisions to make – but it’s important to not delude yourself into believing his words.  If you do, chances are you will just be hurt again and again.  You may decide to stay with this person for your own reasons…children, money, familiarity…but try to protect yourself and understand that another woman/women are just going to be a part of your life.  He may change eventually – but if not, just know your own limits.

All 22 million people (if that is the current number) on that AM site aren’t horrible people.  Some are.  Try to know who you are dealing with before taking the next step.

A blog for both the cheater and the cheated upon.

I certainly don’t claim to be an authority on the subject of marital infidelity, but I do think I offer a unique perspective on the subject.   My understanding arrived first as the unknowing wife who was cheated on – repeatedly – by her sex addict husband.  Second, as the lonely, confused woman who sought comfort in an affair in order to escape the pain of my husbands actions.

Many of those who follow my blog are women who themselves have experienced the unimaginable pain of discovering their husband has been unfaithful.  Another significant group of followers are men who are married but cheating on their spouse.  Interestingly, I also have women following my blog who are the the mistresses of married men.  I appreciate that there are people from all sides of this complicated subject reading my posts.   I have no ill will toward any of these people and I sincerely hope that once in a while something I say resonates with each one of you.

This diverse audience is the reason that I write in equal parts from the viewpoint of both the hurt wife and the cheating spouse.  It’s natural to just want to read the parts that you personally relate to – this selective reading provides support through familiarity but not necessarily any growth.  I encourage everyone to read both sides of my story, perhaps by doing so one can begin to find some empathy or understanding toward the other parties involved.  Trying to understand isn’t the same as condoning lying and betrayal  – but by examining the flip side of the situation I believe we can start to move closer to the goal of healing.

Here are some of the feelings that I have experienced over the past 10 years through my discovery of my husbands addiction, his acting out, his relapse, my affair and our recovery.   If you have felt any of these feelings then I suspect many of my blog posts could be of interest to you – no matter which side of the affair you fell on:

Humiliation, disgrace, embarrassment, denial, apathy, pity, anger, hatred, loathing, rage, contrition, revulsion, guilt, superiority, shame, wrath, resentment, pity, indifference, compulsion, disgust, preoccupation, fixation, anxiety, obsession, passion, longing, craving, desire, loneliness, controlling, fearful, comprehending, powerlessness, forgiving, compassion, understanding, gratitude, empathy, tolerance, trust, love.

How badly we crave what we don’t really have…the allure of our lovers

I am always astonished by my mom’s insightfulness.  We were speaking recently about how desire inevitably ebbs and flows in long term relationships.  During the conversation I mentioned that in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend the physical desire for him never wavered.  In fact, I said, it grew and grew over the years and when we finally broke up it was at it’s height.  I used this personal example to ‘prove’ that the curse of long term relationships to destroy passion wasn’t always the rule.

Once I finished telling her my thoughts she responded with an observation that had never crossed my rose colored mind.  She said “the passion lasted because you never really had him”.  Wow.  That is absolutely true and it took me over 20 years to learn it.

This is the ex I have written of before.  We met when I was 23 and were together off and on for 12 years.  We were serious for long stretches of time, then would break up, and eventually would find our way back to one another.  Sometimes the break up lasted a day, sometimes a few weeks, and once it lasted almost 2 years.  This is also the ex that I had an affair with once I learned of my husbands infidelity.  This “affair” was mostly emotional since he lives in another state but it had it’s physical moments as well.  I finally ended it for good almost 2 years ago.  21 years after I met him.  But my mom was right – I never really had him.  I always knew that he could walk out the door the next day.  I felt insecure in the status of our union and anxious about our future.  I never truly was able to depend on him and when I did he usually let me down.  It was that thrill and that uncertainty that kept the flame alive.

I think this is the case with most affairs as well.  We feel a heightened sense of passion because we know at any time the person is going to be pulled from our grasps.  We desperately cling to the moments we can hold them, touch them, see them.  And we are left longing for him/her in those long lonely nights when they are not with us.

This is a horrible way to live.  Always worrying that it’s the last time you will be together, wondering if the feelings are true, imagining them with their spouse and their families, knowing deep down that if they really wanted to be with us they would be.   We go days without hearing from them and our anxiety builds with each hour -then comes the thrill when they reach out again and this act calms all of our insecurities while setting us up for yet another round of passion followed by loss.  It’s a painful cycle.  We want so badly to believe in the fairy tale ending.  But at some point in our adult lives we need to accept that fairy tales are not true.  We do not have them.

Meetings of Two – rebuilding after an affair.

My husband and I have a weekend ritual when we sit down for a ‘check up’ with one another.  During this time we talk about how we are feeling about our relationship and ourselves.  We tell one another if we have struggled with trust, anger or resentment.  We announce the thing we did during that week that most improved our relationship and on the flip side the one thing we each did that hurt our relationship.  Sometimes the conversations are stimulating and go on forever – other times they are a little lackluster and neither of us have much to talk about.   I never know where these meetings will take us.

We like to go to our favorite coffee shop for these weekly discussions – it makes it feel more like an event or a date.  Since we had brunch plans with friends later this morning we decided to hold this weeks meeting at home, giving us the perfect opportunity to watch Esther Perel’s TED talk entitled “Rethinking Infidelity” about why people cheat.  This talk was such a great catalyst to conversation.  Both my husband and I found so much of what she said to be of interest.  It raised incredibly interesting points and questions and led to another very honest discussion about my husbands addiction-related infidelities as well as my own affair and what the two had in common.   We talked about how we felt during and after our trysts, we talked about the fantasy aspect of our actions, we talked about the power of our disclosures, we talked about anxiety and longing and desire and regret and sex.

Seeking out sources of smart, insightful information is so important when confronted with an issue such as marital infidelity.  I have gotten a lot of help from books and therapists in the past – but somehow, Eshter Perel can cut to the quick in a riveting 20 minute video.  If you haven’t already seen it, and are in a relationship, it’s worth watching.  I highly recommend watching with your spouse and see where the conversation takes you.

This is how progress feels. It feels like freedom.

My husband, being a sex addict, had countless liaisons with people over the years.  95% of these acting out partners were strangers.  He didn’t know their names, didn’t care who they were, and probably wouldn’t recognize most of them in a crowd.  Of course, there were a couple of women who he did know.  They weren’t close friends, just acquaintances who made it clear they had loose boundaries and he ended up having sex with them.  Never more than 2 or 3 times – the thrill would wear off for him by then and he would move on.

I’ve written before about this one person who still contacts him.  The emails from her are few and far between – maybe twice a year – but every time she reached out to him in the past it really triggered me.  I felt sick to my stomach and got angry with my husband and started to ask questions that had already been answered.  Until now.

A few days ago, my husband saw an email from this person.  she sent it late at night so he received it when he got up in the morning.  He needed to leave for work before I got up so he came to wake me.  He said “I didn’t want to wake you but I need to tell you that I got an email from that lunatic”.  At first I didn’t know who he meant, but I figured it out pretty quickly.  I asked him what it said and he said he hadn’t read it yet.  He asked if I would like to get up so we could read it together.  I rose and we read the stupid email.  It was just a sentence or two of no consequence.  I don’t understand why she writes to him especially since he hasn’t had contact with her in 2 years.  From her emails, it doesn’t appear to be romantic or with a desire to see him.  The simplest explanation is that she is afraid of him being her enemy since they work in the same industry.

I don’t know her reasons, but still she writes.  Every time she does, we read it (and delete it) together.  But one thing changed this time.  I didn’t have a negative physical reaction.  I didn’t dwell on it all day.  I didn’t feel anger toward my husband.  I saw this for exactly what it was.  I’m not talking about this woman and her motivations.  I am talking about my husbands actions.  He isn’t hiding anything from me.  He didn’t pre-read her message to find out what it said before alerting me to it.  He loves me and wants me to learn to completely trust him again.  This is the truth.

My husband has offered for me to put a rule on his account so that her emails will forward to me, or will be immediately deleted, or bounce back to her.  Anything I want.  Anything that makes me feel comfortable.  I used to want to read them for some clue about his relationship with her.  I thought perhaps there were secrets I didn’t know.  But that’s not the case.  I know everything I need to know.  I know he is sick and acted out with her and others.  I also know that he is recovering and changed and worthy of my love and trust.  I don’t need to control his emails to know all of this.

This gal may write again, she may not.  I don’t really care.  I couldn’t much control it if I did.  But, from here on out, it won’t affect my relationship with my husband if and when she does.  This is freedom.

The importance of change after an affair

It’s the life force of civilization.  It’s the one constant in life.  It’s uncomfortable and frightening and ignites our fears.  It’s CHANGE.

When I look at my past, the most profound times in my life were during major life changes.  All of these changes weren’t perfect in and of themselves.  But they all improved my life by the way they affected me.  The experiences surrounding changes in my life made me a better, more experienced, more open minded person.

When your relationship becomes affected by infidelity, there are a number of different paths you can take.  You can stay or you can leave.  You can go into denial or you can face the situation head on.  You can forgive or you can resent.   I challenge you to explore the path that involves the most change.  I don’t mean surface change, as would occur if you moved out and got a new house, a new mate, a new life.  I mean deep, profound, internal change.

I am over simplifying a bit, but lets look at 2 options and what opportunities they hold for change.

1.  You leave your husband.  This is sometimes the best or only option.  For instance, if your partner is not willing to take responsibility for his actions, or if he is abusive or if he wants a divorce.   In this case there will be an unsettling period of situational changes while you go through separation and divorce.  However, once the dust has settled, who are you going to be?  Will you remain the same person you were prior to the divorce?  If so, statistics show that you will probably enter another relationship with someone who is exactly like the one you just left.  You won’t recognize it to begin with, the decision is a subconscious one, but eventually it will come to light and you will find yourself if the same place as you were before.  It’s a strange phenomenon, but if we don’t change ourselves, we all tend to repeat our relationship patterns.  The challenge here is to deeply and honestly explore how you ended up in this position in the first place.  The answer isn’t as simple as “he is a lying cheating asshole”.  The answer lies in the reasons YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH this lying cheating asshole in the first place.  What familial patterns attracted you to this person?  What signs did you ignore along the way? What role did you play in enabling his behavior?  If you don’t want to repeat your cycle, then do this work, answer these questions and MAKE CHANGES IN YOUR PATTERNS before you start a new relationship.

2.  You stay.  Maybe he apologizes and promises this will never happen again.  Perhaps he makes some grand gesture that convinces you to believe him.  You will probably have a few blow up flights, a couple of nights with him on the sofa, some very real and very wet tears.  You might convince him to go to a therapy session or two.  Then, you get back to your routine and quite frankly, you don’t want to think about it or talk about it again.  You tell him that you will let it go this time but threaten if he does it again you will dump him.  This isn’t using the situation to better yourself.  This decision is based on fear.  Fear of the truth.  Fear of uncovering painful pasts.  Fear of change.  Life events that are this traumatizing can’t be swept under the rug.  The entire foundation of your relationship, your trust and faith in the one person who was supposed to protect you has been shattered.  This deserves your attention.  Not a little bit of attention –  A LOT OF ATTENTION.  You need to mourn and heal and talk and grow.  You need to look at your roll in his behavior.  You need to look at why you want to just ‘forgive and forget’ (as though that is possible).   You need to look at what you need to start feeling safe again.  You need to rebuild (more likely you need to build for the first time) a basis of intimacy with your partner.  You need to slowly allow yourself to be vulnerable again.  You need to share all of your feelings and listen to all of his.  You need to learn self care.  You need to learn to decipher intuition from fear.  This is an amazing opportunity to grow into a more trusting, vulnerable, communicative, smarter, more confident person.

In both of these scenario’s there is a choice.  You can ignore your role in the events.  I don’t mean that you caused him to cheat  or that his affair was your fault.  I mean that you selected this person as your mate.  You probably ignored suspicions about his fidelity long before you got proof of his activities.  You may have contributed in any number of ways.  But here is a chance to learn about your self – about your coping mechanisms, your intuition and how your childhood and past affects your current relationship.  You can learn how to care for yourself, how to put your needs first, set personal boundaries and become a more confident, secure person.

This affair doesn’t need to swallow you hole.  It doesn’t need to leave you numb.  It can be the beginning of an amazing future relationship either with your current spouse or with a new mate.   But, first, you need to welcome the change.

Sometimes our affair partners stand on such green grass. Oh wait..it’s just a mirage.

I missed my boyfriend today.  I shouldn’t call him that because he is no longer my boyfriend – but it’s the name I have given him in this blog.  I should rename him for the sake of this post.  Let’s go with Mr Jameson – one of his favorite drinks.  Mr J was my boyfriend on and off for about 12 years before I met and married my husband.  We were pretty serious for a few of those years – 4 years here, 2 years there, a bunch of break ups and get backs in between.  It was my most significant relationship in my 20’s and 30’s prior to meeting my husband.  He was driven, charming, super successful, adventurous and a whole lot of fun to be around.  He was also short tempered, afraid of intimacy, occasionally abusive and non committal.

I came from a proper, conservative upbringing so I had put Mr Jameson behind me when I married.  I figured he would be the guy I might eventually send a Christmas card to (once he married as well, of course).  I thought it would be nice for my husband to meet him some day (I know they would like one another).  He was my ex but I certainly didn’t hate him.  In fact, about 3 weeks before I met and got engaged to my husband, Mr Jameson and I were planning a getaway to Mexico.

After my wedding, I stayed away from Mr Jameson.  No emails, not phone calls, nothing.  It was the proper thing to do now that I was married.  But the day after I found out that my husband had been cheating on me, he is the person I reached out to.  I didn’t initially tell him why I reached out – I just sent a benign email saying ‘hello’ and asking if he ever visited California (where I moved when Mr J and I broke up).  An email volley ensued – polite and friendly to begin with – then a subtle suggestion that we missed one another – and then a full blown exploration of ‘what if’s’ and ‘could we’s’ and ‘maybes’….

I didn’t physically see Mr Jameson for a few years.  We emailed and texted and flirted intermittently.  I would reach out when I felt lonely or angry with my husband.  He would provide a distraction which I mistook for comfort.  It wasn’t comfort of course – it was just fuel for my fantasy of a better world with a better person in a better place.  Ah, how green that grass can seem!

After a few years of putting off the inevitable, we started a physical affair.  Mr Jameson lived on the other side of the country – and I was married – so we didn’t see one another often – but we did see one another.  During those random days and nights I appreciated the familiarity most of all.  It was our history together which drove me to him.  He knew me when I was 23 and hopeful and young.  He was a reminder of who I was in a time before life and husbands and aging and cheating became concerns.  It wasn’t that I loved being with him as much as I loved who I was when I was with him.   To be honest, when I was feeling so much confusion and pain in my own marriage I couldn’t imagine having an affair with a stranger – it doesn’t make sense to me at all – but I know many people do that.

About 2 years ago, after years of inappropriate behavior with Mr J, I told my husband about the affair.  It was REALLY hard to do – but I knew that if I kept that secret to myself then I would be tempted to reach out to Mr J again.  Once the slate is clean it’s a much bigger leap to dirty it again.  If you don’t understand that concept – just think about eating cake.  If you are in great shape and good health and regularly eat cake you don’t think twice about ordering it.  If you are however on a strict no sugar diet because you are diabetic and it can truly harm you then it’s quite a big decision to take a bite.  By telling my husband everything that had happened – I put myself on a very strict diet which does not allow any Jameson.  I can’t say it’s impossible that I would ever contact him again, but I definitely won’t ever reach out to him mindlessly, as it would literally poison everything I have worked for.

To get to the point of this post – yesterday, I wrote on someone’s comment page about affairs and loneliness and blah blah blah.  So last night Mr J creeped into one of my dreams.  It wasn’t sorted or dirty – I just ran into him and we embraced and it was nice.  Needless to say, that led to him being on my mind after I woke this morning.  Not because I want to continue our affair (I don’t) but because he was a massive part of my life for 2 decades and when I am reminded of him I do miss him.  I miss him as I would anyone else who was that important to me for so long.  It saddens me that I can’t send a text saying “hey…I was reminded of you today…hope you are well”.   But I can’t.  Because I crossed a boundary that was not good for my relationship.  Had I not allowed my heart and body to crossed that line, Mr J could still be in my life as a friend.   We could grab a beer with my husband when we are visiting Chicago.   But this is not longer an option.

The moral of this post is this – and it’s intended for those who are cheating:

1.  Be honest with yourself about your feelings.  I confused loneliness for love.  I thought that because I craved Mr J that I loved him.  That’s not true.  I craved him because he could distract me from my intense pain.  Mr J couldn’t fix my loneliness – only reconnecting with my husband could do that.

2.  When I felt myself thinking about Mr J today I didn’t allow it to take over my mind.  I instead focused on what I could do for my husband and for our relationship.  I planned and prepared an amazing dinner and can’t wait for him to get home so I can share it with him.  When you are drawn to another – stop and refocus your energy and your mind back to the place where it belongs.

3.  Don’t mess up your relationships with co-workers, neighbors or ex’s to have an affair on your spouse.  In the end, you aren’t going to end up with that person and you will have destroyed what could have been a lifelong friendship.

4.  Finally, cheating will never, ever bring anything but loneliness and loss.  No matter how ‘justified’ it seems – all it does is breeds distrust in the other and shame in yourself.

The grass is always greener over the fence.  And it will remain that way until you start to water your own lawn.  Speaking of..I need to get back to making a feast for my husband and I.

Ashley Madison is just another distraction. You can do better.

My mom still occasionally recounts a story about being in the basement in our family home and hearing a ruckus on the 2nd floor.  It was my older sisters who had started a screaming match.  My mom ran up the stairs toward the bedrooms.  As she passed by the kitchen she suddenly stopped and backed up.  She needed some m&m’s before she could emotionally deal with whatever was happening on the floor above her.  She jokes that she is a chocolate addict.  Who’s to say she isn’t.

We all use distractions as a coping mechanism.  When we are stressed at work we mindlessly eat some chips.  When we get home to a house full of needy family members we tune out with the tv.  Our boss criticizes our work and we have an extra drink at dinner.  Cigarettes, food, tv, internet, exercise, shopping, drinking – and porn – are all forms of distraction.  Some of these distractions are obviously more harmful to our health and/or relationships than others.

Lets take Ashley Madison for instance.  I remember the first time I saw a billboard for this website.  It said “Life’s short – have an affair”.  I thought it was an advertisement for an upcoming movie or tv show.  More and more of these ads started to pop up around town and one day curiosity got the best of me.  I went to the website and learned it’s purpose.  It scared me.  I knew my husband was a sex addict and I thought ‘oh great – it just keeps getting easier for him’.  The truth is, if someone is an addict – or if they are just a jerk looking to cheat – no one needs Ashley Madison.  They will find a way.  History has alway had an Ashley Madison – Los Angeles had Heidi Fleiss, Chicago had Iceburg Slim,  “Gone with the Wind” had Belle Watling.  Of course the internet has made it easier to procure a lover.  It’s also made it cheaper and more legal.  In the past, men went to prostitutes to fill their sexual needs.  Now people of both genders go to Ashley Madison – maybe for sex – but more often to temporarily cure their loneliness.  I’m not sure what percentage of people actually have physical affairs as a result of that site.  Probably less than you would suspect.  The thrill of the online profile and an occasional email is probably enough to bring people back to the present and out of their bubble of obsession.  But this porn has destroyed plenty of marriages.  Even if the person who paid for the website never had an affair, the trust was destroyed when the spouse found out and a marriage and family fell apart.  It’s really sad.

Here is a bit of advice/warning for anyone looking to join this site.  Ashley Madison is evil.  Not because of the ‘service’ it provides – but because of the greed it displays.  Ashley Madison claims to put charges through to your credit card under a benign name.  That benign name is ADL media.  Ummm, not that hard to figure out if you just google that term (adult dating life).  If/when you realize it’s mostly fake ads and sex workers and you wise up and decide to cancel the account they charge you to do so.  Here is the kicker – the cancellation charge is listed under ASHLEY MADISON on your credit card statement.  It may show up as ‘AM media’ or some such thing – but regardless of the wording, what they do is make it completely obvious what the payment is for and as a result many relationships are destroyed.  The irony is that it’s when someone decides to do the right thing and remove their profile that their behavior is usually discovered by their spouse.  Damn.  That’s harsh.  Of course you can get around this – use a prepaid c/c or whatever.  Where there is a will there is a way.

I may have digressed in this post.  So back to the topic.  Ashley Madison, like any other version of porn, is a distraction from our daily stress.  If you’re drawn to these sites they become addictive.  It’s a thrill to get a secret email from an admirer.  Doesn’t make you bad to have that feeling – it’s human.  But it would make you a better human if you could try to find a different method of obtaining your thrill and validation.  There are a lot of distractions to chose from in the world – would be nice if you could choose one that won’t destroy the worlds of those you love.