Everything that is hurt needs to heal. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stubbed toe or an ego. Scientists have proven than emotional and physical pain are both centered in the same part of the brain, so why is it that feelings – which exist only in our brain – can take so much longer to heal than an actual flesh wound.
I watched my mastectomy scars improve every day when I first had surgery. I was amazed by how quickly my body rallied to heal itself. Within weeks they looked pretty amazing. They still exist, and always will, but they don’t hurt when I touch them. When I look at the scars, there is nothing triggering. I don’t feel the pain of the surgery or the anxiety surrounding it. They are just a lasting but benign result of an incision which may have saved my life.
How funny that our bodies can recuperate so completely and swiftly – but when our feelings are hurt the pain is so much more intense – and hangs on for what seems to be forever. Even when the feelings start to heal, one wrong reminder can reopen the emotional wound and we are right back where we started feeling all of those hurt feelings again like they just happened.
When I first found out that husband was unfaithful the number of physical symptoms that went along with my hurt was shocking. The lump in my throat, the nausea in my stomach, the uncontrollable shaking, the weight loss, the fear. I even got a fever the night I found out. I knew that it was just my feelings reacting to the stress in my body but I didn’t have any tools that could control it.
I think that part of the difference, and one reason why old emotional wounds are so easily accessed, is because we don’t tend to emotional pain in the way we do physical pain. With my mastectomy I started taking supplements a month prior to surgery so my body would have the vitamins and minerals it needed to heal. I cut out wheat, sugar and alcohol to eliminate inflammation and added in white chicken meat to up my protein level. I made sure everything I ate and drank was organic and fresh. I consulted with many surgeons to make sure I had the right team of doctors. I read books and researched how to heal quickly and painlessly. After the surgery I rested and slept and saw my doctors for lots of check ups. I was tended to night and day by my husband and mother. I was prayed for by countless friends and strangers. I listened to healing meditations at least 4 times a day. I repeated mantra’s to tell my body to heal. I applied creams and salves and had physical therapy for weeks. All this to recover from a surgery.
By comparison, the first time I found out about my husbands infidelity I cried alone, I yelled at him and then ignored him. I didn’t tell any friends and didn’t have a therapist. I refused to hear about – much less learn about – sex addiction.
I think it’s obvious why my body healed better than my feelings. I helped my body in every way I knew to heal itself. But when I was emotionally hurt I didn’t tend to my feelings with the same commitment. My feelings didn’t heal and I suffered for many years with insecurity, anger, confusion and suspicions.
Cut to the discovery of my husbands relapse 2 years ago. That time, the initial pain was equally as horrible as the first time around. All the symptoms that were there the first time – the shaking, the nausea, the tears – were all present. But this time around I healed. Instead of getting angry and yelling at my husband I held him and comforted him and helped him. Instead of keeping it all to myself I shared it with other wives of addicts who I had met over the years. This time I attended and shared at S-Anon meetings. This time I found an amazing therapist who deals specifically in this area and I committed to letting her help me. I journaled a lot. I read lots of books on the subject of sex addition. I talked to my husband for countless hours sharing every feeling and fear with my husband. And like with my mastectomy, I can still see the scars, but they don’t trigger me the way they did the first time around. I took care of myself – and it shows. I am working on my meditation practice (I wish this came easier to me!) so it is in place the next time I have an emotional or physical trauma. It’s life. Things happen. We need to prepare.
I’m sure there is an entire scientific study about physical versus emotional healing which would be way over my head. But I am pretty sure that taking care of our emotional wounds with the same care and gentle touch that we do our physical wounds will help them heal better. At least it can’t hurt.