You WILL trust him again. So stop the negative thoughts.

I wrote yesterday and a handful of other times about rebuilding trust in a marriage after an affair.  In reading other people’s posts, the word ‘trust’ comes up over and over again.  The statements are usually ‘I will never trust him again’, ‘if he did this once, how can I trust he won’t do it again’, ‘can I stay with a man I can’t ever trust’.  And on it goes.

I understand as well as anyone why the thoughts always lean toward the negative.  We have been deeply hurt and betrayed by the one person who was supposed to love and care for us.  Our instinct is to protect ourselves from repeating the same mistake twice.  But is all this negative thinking really going to help protect us?  What if we could turn our thought patterns around.  What if we could say “I will trust him again”, “He deserves my trust as I do his”, “I have forgiven him”.  Isn’t the power of positive thinking going to get us further than negative gloom and doom?

Among other things, negative emotions have been proven to decrease our health, raise our stress levels and limit our ability to see our options clearly.  Positive thinkers have lower stress, boosted immunity, live longer lives, succeed more at work, have better coping skills, etc.  Being positive is by far the better choice and though it’s not easy to change thought patterns, it’s definitely possible.

I’m not saying that you should live in a fantasy world of unrealistic optimism – but positively considering that you will someday be able to trust this person who hurt you is actually a realistic option.

We are hurt, yes.  We need to heal, absolutely.  But we should be looking forward with hope and faith.  We should gather up all of our positive energy and throw it toward trust.

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6 comments on “You WILL trust him again. So stop the negative thoughts.

  1. oncewhole says:

    I completely agree with you! The problem for me is the disconnect between consciously deciding to be positive, and the subconscious negativity (suspicion, doubt, wondering, etc.). If you have any things that you think will work to turn it around I’m all ears. I’ve had a really good day today, but they are few and far between for me (and he was here most of the day).

  2. cheaterfantasy says:

    It can be so difficult some days to clear those negative feelings away. It comes down to vulnerability. We were once vulnerable because we knew not to be anything different. Well, I was. I was trusting and truly believed my H would never lie to me let alone cheat. Well, he did and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am up, dusting myself off and that vulnerable me is no longer there. I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt again . In this process all my thoughts will be negative. Every time he comes home late, every time he is on the phone. It will lead to me becoming very stuck and bitter. So I have to become positive and so make myself more vulnerable. Not an easy thing to do when we are trying to keep ourselves safe from hurt.
    With everything in my life being tossed upside down I need to slowly rebuild every facet. I need to become vulnerable again. I need to try and trust him. I need to swipe away negative thoughts and think more positively. I need to keep talking to him to let him know how I am feeling and to be re assured by him. He needs to let me know that he is no longer a liar and that he is happier living an honest life. Communication and lots of it brings about a closer connection. It won’t happen quickly but if I keep going in this direction then it can be slowly rebuilt.
    The safer we feel, the more secure we are with being vulnerable and our thoughts will follow in a more positive outlook.
    Of course we will fall off the wagon and all it takes is a crappy flashback or trigger. We get back on and off we go. Recovery is a must.

  3. Vulnerability. What a struggle to get there after having the world as we know it fall apart. I think you know that it’s worth the risk though. They say there are no guarantees in life, but I beg to differ. I think I could pretty much guarantee that if I don’t actively try to grow in a positive direction then the negative will consume me. It doesn’t happen without work. It sounds like your husband is willing to facilitate your growth – I’m sure you are grateful for that. Keep up the good work – there is indeed light at the end of this tunnel. A light that surprisingly shines brighter than when you entered it.

  4. I am done with my cheating husband and I will never trust a word HE says again. I am now confronted with a new challenge and that is trusting someone who NEVER lied to me i.e my new boyfriend (what a strange word). But I try to remember what I once read: I don’t need to trust him, I need to trust me. I ignored the red flags over and over and I will NEVER do that again. Trust YOURSELF!

    • I hope your new relationship can maintain the trust that you weren’t able to find with your husband. Sometimes it makes the most sense to move on – either alone or with a new mate. The sad truth is that many men don’t want to change their destructive behaviors, or are unwilling to do the hard work it takes to change. I am very fortunate that my husband chose to make a commitment to heal his past and as a result, he is able to stay faithful without having it feel like a sacrifice. Since we so often are attracted to the same type of person – it’s important for you to keep your sixth sense in tune and not to slip into your old patterns. Hopefully your new boyfriend will respect that you have recently been traumatized so he will need to be extra transparent in order to build trust with you.

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