I’ve been thinking a lot about how it’s come to be that I have fallen back in love with my husband after his betrayals. There are so many pieces that had to fit together in order for our love to flourish once again it’s hard to pinpoint those that contributed most.
It must have started with both of us being WILLING to work for our relationship. We knew there was something worth fighting for. Giving up on one another without trying to sort it out would have left us both with regrets and “what if’s”. He is the one who made the mistakes and lied – but we took equal responsibility in fixing the problem which went deeper than the symptom. We both agreed to put the relationship – the coupleship – the union – whatever you call it – we were putting US first. Being “in it” together was comforting for us both. It allowed him to feel like a man rather than a little boy who was in trouble and on probation. It allowed me to feel like I had some sense of control over the end result instead of someone waiting for a magical cure to take hold.
The work we did was individual, but was done simultaneously. I started therapy, attended S-anon meetings, met and shared with other women in similar situations and read books on the subject of sex addiction to better understand his disease. He was already in therapy and attending SAA but he started to take it seriously but first coming clean to everyone about the lie he had been living. He attending a week long intensive to deal with his childhood trauma which was the root of all his behavior and he started to really focus on completing the 12 steps. We both brought what we learned to the relationship and practiced honesty, empathy and understanding. It was an amazing time of growth for us as individuals and as a couple.
Many women run for the hills when they discover an infidelity or a lie within their marriage. For me, the biggest gift I have ever given myself was to stay and discover and grow with the man I love.