I am in one of those wonderfully glorious moods when I am head over heels in love with my husband. We just spent a relaxing weekend together in the desert with no tv, no phones – just the two of us in a warm and calm environment enjoying each others company.
I love the feel of being in love. I really do. But the weekend is over and it’s Monday now and I know that inevitably the feeling will pass and I will return to just loving my husband – with a little bit less of the “in love” part attached.
I know why I do this – why I back off. I don’t want to be hurt. I live with an underlying fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me again and when it is I don’t want to be entirely in love. I want to care less so that it hurts less. This is my pattern. I build up my resistance to the potential pain by controlling the amount of love I allow myself to feel for him. It’s so very sad that I do this.
I can’t change my ways overnight. I was traumatized by his betrayal and I do need to respect my own pace and allow myself to do what’s needed to feel safe. But rather than starting to turn off my love today, maybe I will let myself feel it for just an extra hour, day or week. Maybe I can try to lengthen the time I spend being in love before I need to run to my safe little place where there is less of it.
I think I will let myself be in love tomorrow too…and I’ll see how that goes.