Totally in love (for today)

I am in one of those wonderfully glorious moods when I am head over heels in love with my husband.  We just spent a relaxing weekend together in the desert with no tv, no phones – just the two of us in a warm and calm environment enjoying each others company. 

I love the feel of being in love.  I really do.  But the weekend is over and it’s Monday now and I know that inevitably the feeling will pass and I will return to just loving my husband – with a little bit less of the “in love” part attached.  

I know why I do this – why I back off.  I don’t want to be hurt.  I live with an underlying fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me again and when it is I don’t want to be entirely in love.  I want to care less so that it hurts less.  This is my pattern.  I build up my resistance to the potential pain by controlling the amount of love I allow myself to feel for him.  It’s so very sad that I do this.  

I can’t change my ways overnight.  I was traumatized by his betrayal and I do need to respect my own pace and allow myself to do what’s needed to feel safe.  But rather than starting to turn off my love today, maybe I will let myself feel it for just an extra hour, day or week.  Maybe I can try to lengthen the time I spend being in love before I need to run to my safe little place where there is less of it.  

I think I will let myself be in love tomorrow too…and I’ll see how that goes.

Advertisements

2 comments on “Totally in love (for today)

  1. Hiding2014 says:

    Even it is for a moment it is worth it…..

  2. That third paragraph is exactly what I am feeling! My husband has a month sober (or at least he did on Sunday) and I’ve been down this road before. Lately I am snappier, more withdrawn, not showing him that I love him as much because I am waiting for the pain of relapse. I am looking for signs. I am anxious and sad and scared. I wasn’t this way during the first few weeks of this recovery effort. I was able to love him fully and be present fully with and for him. I don’t want to be this way, but I know the dance and I am just waiting for the next step.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s