If it’s hard for me to stay true…it must be almost impossible for him

I have been worried more than normal lately – worried that my husband is cheating and lying again.  It may be related to my knowledge of his having multiple ‘program’ friends fall off the wagon lately.  When I hear about these men who have been acting sober but who have indeed been cheating and acting out for a long time it reminds me of the pain I went through last summer.  It was almost a year ago that I found out that my husband who I believed was sober was in fact lying for 6 of the 6 1/2 years that he claimed to be sober/loyal/faithful.  It was heart wrenching and humiliating and is a place I don’t wish to return to.  I know full well that the only way to guarantee that it won’t occur again is to leave him.  So far, I have been unwilling to do that.

The 12 step program clearly states that I can’t control his behavior.  I respect & understand why that is true.  But is it a coincidence that lately when he has a business lunch his phone goes off line or he simply doesn’t answer my calls or texts?  Could this mean that he isn’t where he claims?  It’s a frustrating question for a wife to ask – and one that I shouldn’t have to.  But I am married to a sex addict so it is the path I have chosen and these worries are a part of my daily life.  All I can do is to share my feelings with my husband and keep doing the work that has gotten me this far.

A part of my fear stems from my own occasional feelings about wanting to ‘act out’.  I know how hard it can be to resist the urge to do something that I have made off limits.  Everyone who has ever tried to diet knows how difficult it is to stay on the right path – no matter how badly you want to.  Craving is a universal feeling, but is taken to another level for an addict.  A few months ago I struggled with an almost overwhelming need to contact my ex.  I shared this with my husband and my therapist and when I succumbed to that desire I told my husband about it.  So if I, a non-addict with every desire to be a part of a faithful marriage, can stumble and give in to a ridiculous whim it seems pretty likely that my husband can do the same.  As always, all I can hope is that he can tell me before it spirals into something that neither of us will be able to manage.


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