I have been worried more than normal lately – worried that my husband is cheating and lying again. It may be related to my knowledge of his having multiple ‘program’ friends fall off the wagon lately. When I hear about these men who have been acting sober but who have indeed been cheating and acting out for a long time it reminds me of the pain I went through last summer. It was almost a year ago that I found out that my husband who I believed was sober was in fact lying for 6 of the 6 1/2 years that he claimed to be sober/loyal/faithful. It was heart wrenching and humiliating and is a place I don’t wish to return to. I know full well that the only way to guarantee that it won’t occur again is to leave him. So far, I have been unwilling to do that.
The 12 step program clearly states that I can’t control his behavior. I respect & understand why that is true. But is it a coincidence that lately when he has a business lunch his phone goes off line or he simply doesn’t answer my calls or texts? Could this mean that he isn’t where he claims? It’s a frustrating question for a wife to ask – and one that I shouldn’t have to. But I am married to a sex addict so it is the path I have chosen and these worries are a part of my daily life. All I can do is to share my feelings with my husband and keep doing the work that has gotten me this far.
A part of my fear stems from my own occasional feelings about wanting to ‘act out’. I know how hard it can be to resist the urge to do something that I have made off limits. Everyone who has ever tried to diet knows how difficult it is to stay on the right path – no matter how badly you want to. Craving is a universal feeling, but is taken to another level for an addict. A few months ago I struggled with an almost overwhelming need to contact my ex. I shared this with my husband and my therapist and when I succumbed to that desire I told my husband about it. So if I, a non-addict with every desire to be a part of a faithful marriage, can stumble and give in to a ridiculous whim it seems pretty likely that my husband can do the same. As always, all I can hope is that he can tell me before it spirals into something that neither of us will be able to manage.