Hope for the best – Plan for the worst

He cried and said he is sorry and promised on a pile of dead relatives that it will never happen again…but that doesn’t mean it’s over forever.  There is an extremely good chance that your addict husband will, sooner or later, have a relapse.   Though my experience is with sex addiction, this also applies to alcohol, drugs, gambling, debting or any other addiction.

Sadly, you can’t change the fact that 80% of people in recovery will relapse.  What you CAN do is focus on taking care of yourself so that if and when you find out that his sobriety isn’t what you hoped or thought it was, you won’t end up curled up in a ball in the back of your closet.  You will be able to continue to function and flourish in your own life even while he messes up his.

Whether you found out a week, a year or a decade ago that your partner is a sex addict my advice is the same:  Attend al-anon or s-anon meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps and if possible, find a therapist who works in addiction.  Read books on addiction, educate yourself, put down strong boundaries.  It’s vitally important to have a support group of people who understand what you are going through – it will make all the difference in the world if you are ever blindsided by his cheating again.  The best case scenario is that he remains sober for the rest of his days – but in that case you can be a friend to the others in your support group who may not be so lucky.  And that’s a win for all of us.



3 comments on “Hope for the best – Plan for the worst

  1. nefelicity says:

    Your words have cut me to the heart… my wife is experiencing very similar feelings at this moment. I’ve been married for 8 years, and have been a sex addict for all of them. My vice is pornography and chat rooms, but still just as bad. I’ve cried, told her I’d never do it again, and a few weeks later relapse every time. The last time for her was the last straw… she threatened to leave me, and I could tell she was serious this time. So I started a 30 Day Challenge, where I promise to stay clean, and do something for her every day to show her that I love her. Today is Day 22, and I’m hopeful for the future. I hope you can find peace, and a way to forgive your husband.

    • I think today should be day 30? I really hope you were able to make it through the month without acting out. You will need to work a strong program to stay sober – determination, will power and white knuckling through it will never give you the results you need and your wife deserves. My husband doesn’t know if it’s his meditation, working the 12 steps diligently, therapy, the intensive trauma work he did over the holidays or if it’s some other factor that is keeping him sober this time around. But he is staying active in all areas of recovery so he doesn’t risk losing his sobriety again. It’s a ton of work – but is completely worth it. The peace and serenity you will feel once you are truly sober will be all the reward you need.

      • nefelicity says:

        I did make it through! I urge you to read my 30 day journey…. one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. But I know that this first 30 days was not the end, but the beginning of a longer journey to recovery. Thanks for your kind words.

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