The very reason for living is to grow and learn and develop ourselves and our relationships in a positive way. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Sometimes it seems so much easier to be lazy about change, to accept the status quo, to ignore the very hard work and live out my days within my learned comfort zone.
Since the discovery of my husbands addiction and relapse I have finally and actively been working on myself. Sometimes the work gets very painful…but I try to keep a vision of greater serenity mind to help me through those times. My husband is also working to reach new levels or awareness and grace in his own life. It’s an amazing thing we are both doing.
Lately, I have started to recognize that we are not growing at the same pace – or perhaps, because we started at such different points it just feels that way. He lived in a dark place for so long and now that he has been catapulted into the light he is experiencing a level of joy in his life that he has never felt before. I am sincerely happy for him. I, on the other hand, went from my light, airy, peaceful and safe place to being plunged into a place of darkness, mistrust and fear. Essentially, I have been buried under all the shit that my husband abandoned when he committed to sobriety.
We are both going to need to work at accepting that we are each at different points on our paths. We are going to have to be aware of resentments about this when they arise. My husband won’t always want to deal with my mistrust or suspicions that still exist as they remind him of a time he is trying to move on from. At the same time, I will need to control my envy that he is now living in that happy place where everything seems golden…that place where I USED to live, before his actions destroyed that. Getting us to the next level in our relationship is going to require a lot of understanding, forgiveness and honest communication. As the partner of a sex addict I can say that it doesn’t feel fair – indeed, it is NOT fair – but I have chosen of my free will to stay so fairness aside, I need to commit to not blaming him and not interfering with his positive growth. Being a person who can do that proves that I am already headed back toward the path to my recovery and return to my own place of joy.