a return to safety


When I agreed to marry my husband, it was because for the first time in my life I felt completely safe with someone.  It was unlike anything I had ever felt before.  So wonderful and utterly comforting.  When he betrayed our marriage I feared that I would never regain that sense of safety again – and I mourned that deeply.  I feel every person has the right to feel safe with their spouse – and to lose that is to lose the foundation of your relationship.

I had surgery last week.  It was a lumpectomy, so not a major surgery, but the first surgery I have had.  I had a lot of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the procedure – not knowing what to expect from the anesthesia, fear of what the pain level would be and of course the unknown of what the results of the excision would show.  Though it all, my husband was my rock.  He forced me not to downplay my fears or the seriousness of my situation.  It’s my nature to say “it’s nothing” and to not share it with others as I didn’t want to worry them.  He made me talk about it and share it with those close to me.  He helped me meditate to try to control my anxiety and encouraged me to cry to release some of the feelings I was holding in.  With his support I was able to do all of this  – which is very out of character for me.  I realize that it is because I feel safe with him again.  I know he isn’t going to judge me.  I know he loves me without conditions.  He tends to me even when it isn’t sexy or convenient to do so.  
I may always have a fear in the back of my mind that he could slip in his addiction and hurt me by sexually acting out in the future.  But for today, I know I am safe with him.  And I am not going to fight that feeling.  I’m just grateful that it could grow back after all these years.

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