If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be…

I have pointed out before that in blogs written by those in the midst of affairs,  the underlying theme is almost always loneliness.  I recently read a sad poem from “the other woman” who mentions the pain she imagined in her lovers eyes when he left her to reluctantly return home.   There was another blog written by a man justifying the reasons why his married girlfriend couldn’t see him.  These posts are all too common.

Back when I was cheating, I remember telling my “boyfriend” how badly I wanted to be with him – that I was going to leave my husband – we would be together and live happily ever after.  blah blah blah.  It was all a lie.  It was fun for me to be wanted and loved by two men and by fully playing my role in each relationship I got what I wanted out of them.  It was completely selfish.  If I wanted to be with the boyfriend I would have been.  End of story.  There is no reason big enough to truly keep people apart if they don’t want to be.

In the moments that I was with my boyfriend I wanted to escape reality.  Not because reality was so bad – but because it added to the fantasy of the affair.  With my boyfriend I didn’t have to worry about the past or the future.   The past didn’t matter and the future didn’t exist.  In the times we were together, I would get carried away in the story of it all and let it play out in my dream world of unicorns and rainbows.  We would talk of love and dreams and vacations and memories. When we had to leave I would kiss him good-bye with tears in my eyes as he swore we would be together soon.  But by the time I turned away, both my mind and my heart were already back with my husband.  Exactly where they belonged.  The boyfriend was alone and out of my mind.

It’s not fair what I did to my boyfriend – how I exaggerated my intentions.  But in the moment, it didn’t feel like a lie.  It seemed like a true emotion at the time.  True, but not real.  My husband never had any emotional affairs, but his anonymous excursions were fueled by the same need for escape.  Pure fantasy with no expectations.

We have both come back to our senses and back to reality.  For those stuck in affairs leaving them wanting more it’s easy to believe every word your lover says, but maybe it’s time to read between the lines.  To look at actions over words.  Is he with you right now?  Or are you alone?

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2 comments on “If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be…

  1. writingthebody says:

    It is a strange and paradoxical thng to want to turn your lover into your husband or wife….when the very reason he is your lover is because just then you need to be with the one who is not the husband or wife. I see what you mean, I think….but love and passion are strange things aren’t they?

  2. sassygirl40 says:

    This post hits home for me. I am still in the midst of my affair and it is very much an escape.it is a period of time when I get to forget about my responsibilities, it’d and time of complete selfishness, just submitting to passion. It’s a time I can pretend my health problems don’t exist (lupus)…and although I know it’s wrong, I enjoy the escape. the problem is when it’s time to leave…..i am devastated. I want him to be mine. He is also married and I know I am just his escape. That’s how we started out and for him that’s how it’s remained….having his cake and eating it too. He wants us both but I know I won’t be the choice. In the end he prefers the stability and comfort of the cake….the icing is just for fun.

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