Denial: Is it a necessary component to a relationship?

Faith, trust, belief, confidence.  These are words that regularly show up in discussions about love and relationships.  I am pretty sure that each of those words and their flowery synonyms were spoken multiple times during my own wedding service.

On the day that I married my husband I was in a beautiful dream state about what my future would hold.  My fantasy world hadn’t allowed me to delve into my fiance’s history and how it could affect my life.  He was very upfront about having cheated on his first 2 wives and fully admitted that he was a sex and love addict.  But I wasn’t willing to consider that his history could affect my future.  I believed him when he said it would be different with me.   I had blind faith that our love was stronger than the others.   I was confident that I was not the kind of person he would cheat on.  If you have read any of my other posts, you know that my fantasy life eventually exploded to reveal a hard truth and I was forced at once to become a realist.

Once a wife has been lied to and cheated on, I’m not sure she will ever be able to fully trust her mate again in that area of her life .  I think there is always that very real concern in the back of our minds that the lies and affairs could happen again.  This is especially true when the lying and cheating happens over and over again as it did in my case.  This doesn’t mean I don’t trust him in other areas of our life.  I believe with 100% of my being that he would take a bullet for me.  I know he will be there whenever I ask and do anything it takes to rebuild our marriage.  I have faith that he will not leave me.  But in order to trust him in the area of fidelity, I need to employ some version of denial.  If I don’t go to this place of denial, I will always worry about the unknown.  My husband thinks this sounds pessimistic.  On the contrary I say.  It is sensible and is the very thing that allows us to move forward and to rebuild.   Perhaps it would soften the blow if I were to call it faith rather than denial – but really, in the end, both of these words deal with possibilities too frightening to consider.

I can’t spend my days dwelling over his past wrongdoings.  I know they exist but I am in denial that they could be happening today.  I have set the boundary that if he betrays me again and lies about it then I will leave him.  There will be no 3rd chance. I have a plan of action, and there in lies my self protection and my relief from worrying on it.    I won’t put my head in the sand, nor will I ignore signs that he has strayed.  But until there is proof of further infidelity I will use a version of denial as a coping mechanism.  Until that time, if it ever comes, it does no good to worry about it.  Every day, people on this Earth put blind faith in important areas of life – from our doctors to our Gods – we sometimes have to just believe in order to get past the scary parts.

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One comment on “Denial: Is it a necessary component to a relationship?

  1. I really hear you. I feel the same way. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again the way I did, so I just have to deny that there is anything going on until I have proof.

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