We are only as sick as our secrets

Yesterday, I shared a full disclosure with my husband about the ways that I had acted out in response to his cheating.  I wrote about the fear I had going into the disclosure in my post “the more you look the more you see”

https://recoveredwife.wordpress.com/2013/11/01/the-more-you-look-the-more-you-see/

It was exactly as hard as I knew it would be.  I was crying before we even entered my therapists office…and sobbing uncontrollably by the time we settled in and were ready for my confession.  Somehow I managed to read aloud the list of the sins I had committed.  I didn’t expect my husband to be so surprised by what I had done.  It makes me wonder if a man’s sixth sense differs from the female’s sense.  I always knew in the back of my mind that he had acted out with this one or that one – but he seemed utterly shocked by the things I told him.  I had told him bits and pieces over the years about how I had reached out to my ex-boyfriend for comfort when I felt scared, hurt and alone.  He knew that I emailed and texted with my ex, he even knew we talked about reuniting if we had ever decided to divorce.  He knew all of that for all these years but apparently he never considered that maybe I had seen him.  Perhaps he was just in denial all that time, or maybe he was so caught up in his own acting out and addiction that what I did just wasn’t on his radar.  Or maybe (and this hurts) he thought I was better than that.

It’s amazing to me that I was lost for so long – and was willing to do things that so severely went against my nature.  I said to my husband yesterday that in those fearful and lonely moments I wanted to return to someone who knew me before I was changed by my husbands betrayal.  I think that hit the nail on the head.  The discovery of my husbands betrayal changed me into someone I didn’t even recognize.  I started to dress differently, act differently, walked on eggshells, stopped being sexual.  I buried myself under a pile of shame.    When I saw my ex it was like a turning back of time to a person I used to be before I married an addict, before my world crumbled down in front of me.  But all of that was a fantasy.  We are who we are because of our life experiences.  I could spend the rest of my life with the ex and not really ever be that carefree girl that I was before I was betrayed.   My husbands behavior changed me in dozens of ways – as I’m sure my disclosure with change him.  But here we are – for better or for worse – supporting one another in our own personal recovery.  We are moving beyond…

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2 comments on “We are only as sick as our secrets

  1. writingthebody says:

    Well, good luck with it….you both sound good for each other…..though what is he saying…it would be good to get a sense of that. Thanks for sharing. I am myself very addictive, but not to the same things as your husband.

  2. saspouse says:

    It’s good that you shared all of this with your husband. I, too, sought solace in an ex….although I never told him what my husband had done. And our conversations never got flirty. I just needed someone from my past (a man) that “knew me when”. Like you said, before I was changed by betrayal.

    I, however, will probably not tell my husband. He knows that I am “friends” with this person on facebook, so I’m not hiding that. The ex and I rarely chat anymore. Those chats served their purpose of making me feel human again.

    Good luck in your recovery. It’s not an easy road, to be sure but, it’s a necessary one.

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