All the signs were there. So why was I so surprised?

It was a whirlwind relationship that started out based purely on sexual attraction and misconstrued openness.  Our first date was on May 1st.  By the middle of the month, we both thought that we felt completely understood and accepted.  By memorial day we were engaged.  4 Weeks.

The other day I found an email exchange between my husband and I from that first month together.    The words both of us wrote were filled with fear, addiction, sickness, desperation and lies.  Not lies to each other (well, maybe a few of those as well), but we were both so obviously lying to ourselves.  We were lying about what we wanted, what we needed and who we were.  We lied about our feelings and acted so much stronger and “together” than we really were.

I can’t explain why I went along with his desire for such a quick commitment.  It wasn’t in my nature to do so.  I believe now that it is because I have such a hard time saying no.  I am a people pleaser, and I felt that I was in love with him so I didn’t want to risk hurting him…or losing him.  Instead of making a healthy decision for both of us, I dove in head first and got caught up in the fairy tale.  During the 5 months between getting engaged and walking down the aisle we became a team.  We had to bond together to justify our hasty decision to those who cared about us.  This strengthened our already dysfunctional bond.  We really thought we were different from other couples and as a result thought we could make our own rules.  To hell with convention.

It’s pretty amazing that we are still together.  But we are.  And we are happy, strong, supportive and understanding.  But we are nothing like the 2 scared people who came together on that May day in 2005.  My husbands infidelity changed us forever.  Our willingness to “do the work” to heal and grow has made us a true team..

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